Disclaimer: This post specifically focuses on finding Christian protestant churches, as that is my religious tradition. It may only apply to American churches but may also be helpful in commonwealth countries. In future blog posts, we hope to expand to share strategies for finding places of worship in other spiritual and faith beliefs that welcome LGBTQ+ people.
For reference, terms used to recognize churches actively welcoming LGBTQ+ people are: Affirming, Reconciling, Reconciling in Christ, More Light, and Inclusive.
A bit of my story: I grew up in the Presbyterian (USA) church and attended many denominations and non-denominational churches as a child, especially as a teenager. When I was 15-16, many of my peers noticed I was “different” before I knew I was a lesbian or understood what that meant. I suffered religious trauma when my youth group leaders ostracized me and removed me from my worship team position, leadership position, and all other volunteer roles–for reference, this was an Assembly of God church. After many years of healing, I returned to church in my early 20s and have attended actively ever since. Due to moving several times, I’ve applied these strategies to find safe, welcoming, and LGBTQ+-affirming churches in WA, OR, NM, CO, and even TX. I hope this helps you whether you’re looking for a church for the first time or have gone for years but need to change.
Strategy: Where to start
Seven long-established “mainline” denominations in America, sometimes called the “Seven Sisters,” focus heavily on tradition and require thorough theological training for their ministers/pastors/reverends.
These denominations are the United Methodist Church, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, the Presbyterian Church (USA), the American Baptist Churches USA, the Episcopal Church, the United Church of Christ, and the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).
These denominations are typically a good starting point. Each church may vary based on the politics of its city and state. But for the most part, denominational organizations have been around for years and consider acceptance of LGBTQ+ folks to be “old news.” The headquarters of these denominations have fought to recognize and perform same-sex marriages, they are active in donating to LGBTQ+ non-profits, and so on.
Important note: Ensure the church you’re looking at is in those denominations precisely as written. For example, the Presbyterian Church (USA) is affirming and open. However, the Presbyterian Church America is so conservative that it often does not allow women to speak in front of the church. The same goes for the United Methodist Church (affirming) and the Global Methodist Church (very much not affirming).
Step Two: Broaden the Search
If you can’t find what you’re looking for by searching across the denomination, the next step is to try some of the major databases for LGBTQ+-welcoming churches.
Here is a list of them:
Reconciling Ministries Network https://rmnetwork.org/find-a-reconciling-ministry/ This includes United Methodist Churches who have taken a strong stance to support and include LGBTQ+ people. In my opinion, there are a lot more UMC churches that are actively engaged with the LGBTQ+ community (even with openly queer Pastors and staff) but haven’t gone through the steps to be included in this network, so I wouldn’t rule out a UMC church if you don’t see them listed here.
Reconciling in Christ (https://www.reconcilingworks.org/ric/findric/) is the oldest organization recognizing churches as affirming and reconciling. This database includes Lutheran churches that have been “certified” through the Reconciling Works process. Since RIC has been around for a long time, most Lutheran churches are in this network.
Church Clarity https://www.churchclarity.org/ This database is not limited to any denomination but examines all church types for their clear messages regarding women in leadership and LGBTQ+ policy. Be sure you click on each church in the database you are interested in! Many of the “megachurches” or very popular churches for each city are listed on this site because their policies clearly indicate that they are not affirming or welcoming of women in leadership.
Step Three: Read the Reviews and Google “LGBTQ+ churches (your city name)”
Why is this step three? Personal testimonies from enthusiastic attendees may not represent that church’s position, and I don’t think it should be the first resource.
There may also be LGBTQ+ people who experienced harm there, but that doesn’t mean the church is genuinely safe and accepting. I’ll give you an example. I’ve been invited many times by my white, male, straight co-worker to his church, which has over 2000 attendees on Sunday mornings. In his words, “every type of person” goes to that church, and they never have a problem. But do I want to attend a church where I’m at risk of one day hearing a message that is against transgender people? Do I want to get strange looks when holding hands with my partner? Do I want to request prayer from the Pastor for marriage troubles and be told that my marriage isn’t valid? No. I don’t.
Another thing to watch out for on posts/threads such as Facebook groups or Reddit is where people constantly post their church as the answer to every question, no matter what the original poster asks.
But you can rule that out by following…
Step Four: Check the website and Social Media
Not all churches will have an inclusion statement on their website, but they should have a section saying “What We Believe” or a similar sentiment.
Check that statement for inclusion, openness, or “welcoming to ALL people.”
Check their staff page to see if they show women in leadership. Sometimes, you may get lucky here and see a staff member wearing a pride pin or in a photo with their same-sex spouse. I like to get the clergy’s names from this page and Google them. One church I attended for years (and was honestly my favorite church ever) had no signs of inclusion online, but the newspaper had interviewed the lead pastor about her strong stance on LGBTQ+ acceptance, so I knew she was an ally before I stepped in the building.
Check their social media for photos; I always look at what they posted in June and July to see if they acknowledge local pride parades or even walked in one!
Finally, get the contact information for their office staff or lead pastor so that you can…
Step Five: Email the Staff
This might feel daunting, but you can never forget that it’s nowhere near as uncomfortable as showing up in a church and feeling unwelcome.
I usually send an email like this (feel free to copy-paste!)
Dear _____,
I have been church shopping in the area and found your information online. The style of worship and services available seems to be what I am looking for. That being said, I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and it’s crucial to me that I feel safe, welcome, and accepted within the congregation. Does your church have a policy regarding LGBTQ+ people? Do you know if there are other LGBTQ+ members in your congregation (sometimes, it helps not to feel I am the “only” one in a new place)? Finally, if you think your church may not be the right fit for me, are there other churches in our area that you could recommend for me to check out?
Thank you,
_______
That last line is important because you may get recommendations that weren’t even on your radar. In West Texas, I sent a similar email to a church near a college campus that I thought would be the right fit. The pastor replied kindly and told me that while he and his staff warmly welcomed LGBTQ+ folks, he felt he could not guarantee in good conscience that I would sit next to people in his congregation who would extend the same kindness toward me. He gave me the name of another, smaller church. I ended up attending the church he recommended, and I attended there every Sunday after. In a few weeks, I was reading the liturgy, playing on the worship team, and going to home-cooked Sunday dinners, and I’m still friends with the members from there more than five years later.
Finally the last step: Narrow down the other things you’re looking for.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs shows us that Safety, Love, and Belonging must be met before we can worry about things like accomplishment and reaching our potential. But if you find multiple churches that will welcome and accept you, then it’s time to consider your next criteria for that one close-to-perfect fit.
That will look like something different for everyone, but I’ll share some of the things that have mattered to me in case they help you:
- Inclusion in Worship
Some churches I’ve attended were happy to have me there in the pews, but they were less than thrilled when I wanted to be up-front in the worship team with a guitar. Other churches simply didn’t want me playing guitar, not because I’m a lesbian, but because I wasn’t as musically capable as their…okay, I can’t put this nicely: they were snobs. I decided that being part of the music was a big deal, so I prioritized that.
- Inclusion in Volunteering
It sounds awful, but again, I attended a church for nearly two years that wouldn’t let me volunteer because I’m LGBTQ+. I should have found that out sooner, but I’ve never made the same mistake. Now, I always ensure the church allows me to participate in any volunteer opportunities. I also ensure the church does things worth volunteering for and cares about our community!
- Traditional and/or Modern services
I prefer modern services, but having the option for traditional worship can be great, especially around major holidays like Easter. Consider whether that style matters to you.
- Classes or Events
It’s not only Sunday morning that makes or breaks what a church offers. You will honestly know the people and build relationships through attending other events and classes. This is where I found the interactive opportunity to “grow in faith” while learning about myself.
- Finances and Growth
Unfortunately, many mainline churches are struggling to sustain themselves or to grow in our current “megachurch” culture, and sometimes, they are too worried about staying afloat to focus on anything else. Some signs of this are churches that heavily emphasize giving to the offering, tithes, or bringing in more people. When it comes to inviting others, a red flag for any church is if they want to “steal” people from other local churches. I also watch for signs their programs have shrunk significantly in the past few years, such as a mismatch between the size of their building and the number of congregants, events, and worship services. None of these things will mean the church isn’t a good fit for you, but it can be draining to attend a church where it feels like they are always asking for your help instead of the other way around.
Those are the steps!
I genuinely hope these help folks find the right fit and a church home. If you have questions or feel there is more to add, please don’t hesitate to comment here or through my author social media!
Leave a Reply